This week has been ROUGH with the tension between my longing for purity of focus on one task (final revisions on a book manuscript due to publisher SOON) and my reality (child’s birthday party, medical appointments, spouse feeling neglected, grad students needing major attention, essays needing feedback, college admin work, laundry, cooking, sick friends to check on, etc etc etc).
So relate (well, not to that list/litany; that is for real a tower of duties! Go you). Hoping the manuscript and birthday elf gets the most love and others get the well-intentioned crumbs that will (have to) be enough as you stretch to the finish line!
Yesterday, I implied to my husband that there was no more mac and cheese (because I wanted enough leftovers not to have to cook last night) and made my son cry when I suggested that it was babyish not to go to the loo before bed without a fight. Right there in the trenches with you!
I quite like Laura Vanderkam mostly b/c of her ability to feel very little guilt but I think you have to remember she's got TONS of kids, but also TONS of childcare/money. My paltry academic salary doesn't stretch beyond wraparound care, muchless plural nannies.
But Oliver Burkeman has changed my writing life. He wrote a piece about not writing first thing, and acknowledging that you have other responsibilities. I felt bad for ages that I wasn't writing first thing as academics are urged to to. This was for various reasons, I take my kid to school on days I'm in town and often try to get a few extra miles on the bike en route home, I want to get laundry on the line on a rare Scottish sunny day, I have something urgent in my inbox, the sweet sweet caffeine hasn't yet hit my system yet.
And that's ok... so now I aim to start research by 10am. By then, I'm on my err... 4th cup of tea, have cleared the decks, and can get a solid 2 hour stint before lunch, and often another hour afterwards, which is probably the maximum deep work my brain can handle.
Completely horning in here to say that most of the world’s advice for practices of all kinds - writing, academics, yoga - were developed by men who were *guess what!* not doing the laundry and the cooking and the childcare. Can we all just explode the myths around “every day, first thing” bla bla bla? Okay, backing away from your lovely convo now. Very happy for you that you have found a rhythm that supports your full life!
Right?? My academic colleagues who swear by first thing aren’t tired from a round of intense uniform negotiations, a walk/cycle to school and home, etc.
Yeeeeeesss. I feel like whatever works, works. Lean into that and tell others: "this works for me, not this other time that is supposedly better. goodnight and thank you!" lol
I love that! You can only do things the way that work for you. And yes: her lack of acknowledgement about how much childcare helps (and costs) feels like a real problem.
I feel this too! Feel free to ignore this rec if you don't want any more advice, but I love Kendra Adachi - she wrote a book called The Lazy Genius Way, which is all about taking serious the things we care about and being lazy about the rest (which totally resonates with your quote above)
“someone had the balls to say, Everything would be FINE!” lololol I have SO many thoughts on this (and the amount of times I have said “i do everything around here!” sighhhh....sheepish sigh). That Burkman book sounds DIVINE.
I really needed this today. It feels so specific to everything I’ve been experiencing lately that it’s left me bewildered and wondering if maybe I’m NOT the worst person in the world and merely having a hard time? Thank you.
This week has been ROUGH with the tension between my longing for purity of focus on one task (final revisions on a book manuscript due to publisher SOON) and my reality (child’s birthday party, medical appointments, spouse feeling neglected, grad students needing major attention, essays needing feedback, college admin work, laundry, cooking, sick friends to check on, etc etc etc).
All I have the wherewithal to say is THANK YOU.
So relate (well, not to that list/litany; that is for real a tower of duties! Go you). Hoping the manuscript and birthday elf gets the most love and others get the well-intentioned crumbs that will (have to) be enough as you stretch to the finish line!
Oof... that is a lot!
Yesterday, I implied to my husband that there was no more mac and cheese (because I wanted enough leftovers not to have to cook last night) and made my son cry when I suggested that it was babyish not to go to the loo before bed without a fight. Right there in the trenches with you!
I quite like Laura Vanderkam mostly b/c of her ability to feel very little guilt but I think you have to remember she's got TONS of kids, but also TONS of childcare/money. My paltry academic salary doesn't stretch beyond wraparound care, muchless plural nannies.
But Oliver Burkeman has changed my writing life. He wrote a piece about not writing first thing, and acknowledging that you have other responsibilities. I felt bad for ages that I wasn't writing first thing as academics are urged to to. This was for various reasons, I take my kid to school on days I'm in town and often try to get a few extra miles on the bike en route home, I want to get laundry on the line on a rare Scottish sunny day, I have something urgent in my inbox, the sweet sweet caffeine hasn't yet hit my system yet.
And that's ok... so now I aim to start research by 10am. By then, I'm on my err... 4th cup of tea, have cleared the decks, and can get a solid 2 hour stint before lunch, and often another hour afterwards, which is probably the maximum deep work my brain can handle.
Completely horning in here to say that most of the world’s advice for practices of all kinds - writing, academics, yoga - were developed by men who were *guess what!* not doing the laundry and the cooking and the childcare. Can we all just explode the myths around “every day, first thing” bla bla bla? Okay, backing away from your lovely convo now. Very happy for you that you have found a rhythm that supports your full life!
Amen!
Right?? My academic colleagues who swear by first thing aren’t tired from a round of intense uniform negotiations, a walk/cycle to school and home, etc.
Yeeeeeesss. I feel like whatever works, works. Lean into that and tell others: "this works for me, not this other time that is supposedly better. goodnight and thank you!" lol
I love that! You can only do things the way that work for you. And yes: her lack of acknowledgement about how much childcare helps (and costs) feels like a real problem.
Ohmygosh, Abby, we are peas IN A POD. 🤗 This essay made me feel so seen!! Thank you for making me feel less off-kilter, less broken. 💖💖💖
not broken! human!
Seriously. Right there with you. This came at the perfect time for me!
I needed this reminder today: "You will never, ever, ever fit everything in, even if you wake up at 4:30am, so please, just let the rest go!"
Loved this! I'm reading 4000 Weeks right now, too, and finding it to be so much more than I expected. xo
Isn't it SO GOOD!? Wait until you get to the "stay on the fucking bus" part. xx
I feel this too! Feel free to ignore this rec if you don't want any more advice, but I love Kendra Adachi - she wrote a book called The Lazy Genius Way, which is all about taking serious the things we care about and being lazy about the rest (which totally resonates with your quote above)
“someone had the balls to say, Everything would be FINE!” lololol I have SO many thoughts on this (and the amount of times I have said “i do everything around here!” sighhhh....sheepish sigh). That Burkman book sounds DIVINE.
highly recommend, truly.
I really needed this today. It feels so specific to everything I’ve been experiencing lately that it’s left me bewildered and wondering if maybe I’m NOT the worst person in the world and merely having a hard time? Thank you.
Or maybe just...human?? I feel like these optimizers think we can be/do more than is possible?? xx